Why I Write

I write.

It's simple. I just do it.

But really, it's not simple.

It is and it isn't.

I write because I adore it. It makes me happy.

I feel full and satisfied when I write.

But I hate writing.

Because it exposes who I am.

I see myself clearly when I write.

And it scares me to death.

But I also love it.

It's so complicated. It feels like a tangled set of Christmas lights. It's a beautiful thing. Full of twists. Full of colors. Surprises. Light.

But also full of anxiety.

What if there's one bulb that's broken and I can't find it? What if it gets so tangled I'll never be able to use them again? What if I mess them up and they look stupid?

The fear oftentimes keeps me back.

I stop writing for a month, maybe two or three.

I staunch the flow.

Does that really do anything for my self esteem? Hiding away and not confronting things?

In reality, I just postpone the self-consciousness and the self-loathing until a later date.

I may think I'm stronger now than I was then and am thus more equipped to deal with it. But that's not true at all.

I'm timid. Scared. Afraid to expose myself. It holds me back. And when I finally just do it, I feel stronger than ever before.

I did it!

I can move mountains now! I can change the world! I can be myself without any fear! I can do anything!

I am so proud of myself. I get giddy. I reward myself.

And then it comes again. Within hours sometimes.

The self-doubt. Loathing. Fear.

I'm not good enough. I never will be. I can't do anything right.

I will never write again.

And here I am. Stuck. The pit is slowly dragging me in. Trying to eat away any creativity, goodness, inspiration, or good feeling I may have.

It works fast.

Sometimes within minutes, I am stripped back to my insecure, fearful, self-loathing inner skin.

And I am miserable.

So why do I do it?

For the feel good moments.

The moments of pure bliss when I can soar above the clouds, move that mountain, do what I used to think I couldn't do. Those moments are the best.

The very best.

They keep me going.

They are why I write.